© Copyright – 2014 – Athletics Illustrated
Tired of not receiving enough media attention, American middle-distance runner, Nick Symmonds officially announced his candidacy to run for the President of the United States during the next Federal Election.
“I’m Nick Symmonds, and I’m announcing my candidacy for President of the United States because I believe we can return America to its former glory where all citizens feel a sense of hope and opportunity, to full employment, to fishing, to an American self-marketing program free of rules, to a balanced running program for all,” Symmonds said in his announcement media conference, while standing in hip-waders on the track at Willamette University, his alma mater.
During the six hour conference, featuring a stark arrangement of Symmonds speaking directly to the media and a Brooks product manager, the current fastest 800 metre runner in the US pointed to his past achievements as a Nike-sponsored athlete to support his intention to run.
Appearing flummoxed he misspoke confusing Mike Parker, CEO of Nike as the President of the United States, saying, “I worked with the President of the United States, Mr. George Bush…I mean the CEO of Nike Mr. Mike Parker…” collecting himself, “…sometimes I confuse the two. Anyway I worked with Mr. Parker, during a very difficult period. When Nike got jobs created again, Americans became proud of America, and the thousands of third-world employees from China.” He then talked about his tenure as a fisher, pointing to his efforts fishing including trolling, shore-casting, jigging, fly-fishing, purse-seining as well as dropping crab traps, shrimping and alligator wrestling, where he controlled spending, cutting expensive lures, reducing fishing line over-usage and balancing the flashers. “It was economical fishing, even if my hip-waders were made by Orvis,” said Symmonds.
“I’ve done it before, I can do it again,” the former resident of Eugene, Oregon said, while uplifting music swelled in the background to the sounds of Paris Hilton rapping to Dr. Dre’s “Nuthin’ but a G Thang”, except she awkwardly pronounced it “thing”.
Symmonds appealed to his “fellow countryman” to work together to find solutions and asks them to “insist on imposing those solutions on evil forces that refuse to learn to fish.”
Paraphrasing Newt Gingrich, Symmonds said, “There are some people who don’t mind if America becomes a wreck as long as they dominate the wreckage, but you and I know better.” He asked Americans to “look reality in the face” and “make the tough choices” to “get the job done” to “face gut-check time” “cast your lines out farther and reel them in carefully.”
He said “much more fishing is ahead in the future,” with more smoked salmon, better filets, and – in what appears to be an appeal to older voters – “Grecian Formula.”
In regards to health care and other Obama initiatives that Tea Partiers mock as reflecting an oversized government, he argues for a “decentralized” government “with power boats available to the people; outfitted with Scotty downriggers.”
In a Fox News interview Tuesday night to pre-announce his candidacy, Symmonds came out swinging, slamming President Obama’s foreign policy as “a very, very discouraging situation” and his foreign fishing policy as anti-American, saying, “everyone has the right to bear rods and reels. Teach an American to fish and he will eat …or something like that.”
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