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USA Track and Field (the governing body that is apparently responsible for ruining the sport of track and field) is secretly planning a marketing strategy to re-brand field events to make them more palatable to prospective American fans.

Apparently, intense top-secret lobbying by the USATF of the International Association of Athletics Federations (IAAF) to change the names of field events to names that are more grassroots and recognisable has won preliminary support from the IAAF as well as the IOC. “We are extremely delighted by the progress we have made upon winning the preliminary approval to go ahead with efforts to rename many of the sports that Americans frankly cannot relate to,” said a representative of the USATF who asked for anonymity, as the secret marketing will take place “once all the toes are on the line and heels are in the blocks,” said the representative.

The list of sports that are in line to be renamed are as follows:

Pole Vault – Human Vault.

Javelin – Masai Spear Throw.

Long Jump – Low Level Flight.

High Jump – One Legged Vault.

Shot Put – Cannonball Throw.

Discus – Flight of the Disc.

Hammer Throw – Option 1: Armour Crash, Option 2: Kilt Ripper.

Modern Pentathlon – Post Modern Septathlon (adding two new events: Lebanese Stone Throw and Black Ops Skeet Shoot).

Heptathlon – Octagon (adding one event: Bungy Jumping).

In addition to the proposed changes listed, the USATF seeks to adopt the sport of triathlon. Should the proposal be accepted, triathlon will no longer include swimming or cycling and will be named one of the following, Option 1: Human pursuit or Option 2: Human chase.

Apparently a top secret referendum is scheduled to take place Sunday, September 28th in Geneva, Switzerland.